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christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I'm sure it's all just a misunderstanding."

"No, Mom," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," her mother agreed. "Those frozen turkey loafs are only a few dollars."

"No, Mom," the young woman said, "it wasn't the price of the turkey loaf; it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket?" her mother asked. "What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well, I looked at the directions on the back of the package," the young woman said, "and it said, 'Prepare from a frozen state.' So I flew to Alaska."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh, yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A language teacher was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine or femine.

"'House' in French is femine -- la maison. 'Pencil' in French is masculine -- le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The french teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her french dictionary. So for fun, she split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to provide four reasons for their recommendations.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be the feminine gender because:

1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native languague they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:

1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data, but they can't function on their own.
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4) As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman, interested in shedding a few unwanted pounds, decided to pay a visit to her doctor to ask about a new weight-loss patch that she had recently seen advertised.

"Supposedly, you just stick the patch on and the pounds melt away," she said. "Does it really work?"

"Sure," answered the doctor. "If you put it over your mouth."
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
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christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

You have an Internet addiction when . . .
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

Your dog's homepage is actually good.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.

Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds of looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing!"
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that..."
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear-ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and they are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
12. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Accidents Happen

A man happens upon a friend and sees that his friend's car is wrecked and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
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Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have
to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five
years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father
says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at
her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single
thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
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Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

Womens Vocabulary

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

<Loud> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

<Soft> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
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Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
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christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible...

Dog "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK NO!"

Cat "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge."

Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

Cat "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."

Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it."

Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Hamster "Kill me, this wheel is boring."

Iguana "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips.

Dog "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my s**t! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

Gerbil "OH NO, not again!"

Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again."

Bunny "I wonder if she will notice I s**t in her pillow case?"
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
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christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of H*ll's Angels on the freeway.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts in one eye.
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

Ask yourself this...
Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

It's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow. How cold will it be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

when you thought you knew everything....
1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl... Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away corrosion.

7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in
Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

9.The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

10.To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.

11.The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 307

End of the internet Oh nooooooooooo

http://insanepictures.com/fl.shtml?0029.htm

Funny
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

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