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christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde's ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
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christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
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christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of
hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so
he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error,
sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send
emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freakin hot down here.
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
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christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I o pen for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

</FONT>
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
<BR>
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

All the toilet seats at the police station were stolen. The thief is still at large, the police are having a time figuring it out, and they have nothing to go on.

A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club,
Police are looking into it.

A van-load of wigs were stolen yesterday,
Police are combing the area for clues.

A tall man and a short man have escaped from prison
Police are looking high and low for them

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a policeman. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that with me!'
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce
would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.;

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf
in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

A blonde was wandering in the woods and came upon a river. Standing on the other side was another blonde. The first one hollers to the other, "How do I get to the other side?"

The answer comes back....

"You are on the other side!"
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

Football FINALLY makes sense.........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,
"especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date
asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin,
one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all
they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25
cents!!!!
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

Actual job application

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: …………….

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
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Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

80,000 blondes meet in Dublin for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention." The compere says "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer?" One blonde steps up. The compere says to her "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says "Eighteen." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The compere says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he says "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "Ninety?" The compere sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying and 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The compere, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four." Around the stadium 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

December 14, 2003

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2003

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2003

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2003

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2003

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2003

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2003

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2003

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2003

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2003

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2003

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
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Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

*I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.
*I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.

*I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

*I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

*I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

*I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year.

*I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

*I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.

*When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

*I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

*I will think of a password other than "password."

*I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
Positive http://positive2.blogspot.com/

christev · Moderator Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 306

CHILDBIRTH.
Should children witness child birth?

Paramedics got a call to assist with a woman in childbirth,
only one paramedic responded to the call.
Due to a power outage, the house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kate, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby,
Very diligently, Kate did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him his by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom, Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kate for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kate quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in first place......... smack him again."
_________________
Chris Stevens You get what you expect, so expect success!
My Blogs
Positive Thoughts and more http://positive1000.blogspot.com/
Positive Thoughts Carnival http://positivethoughtscarnival.blogspot.com/
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